What Do We Do About Discipline?

December 23, 2024

We often get asked the question, “How do you handle discipline issues?” We love this question because in Montessori we think about discipline from a different lens. 


We start by being curious because misbehavior is a form of communication. Children want to do well and do the right thing. So what are they trying to tell us when they misbehave?


Unmet Physical Needs


Children often misbehave due to unmet needs. At a very basic, physical level, this might be due to being hungry, tired, or overstimulated. So we look at children’s environment and what could change to better support those needs. Perhaps the problem is due to missing their sleep window and being overtired? Or maybe there’s a need for a more protein-packed breakfast so as to not fall apart mid-morning. It might be that a room full of people is causing too much sensory input and a little time in a quieter space or fresh air is just what’s needed.


Unmet Emotional Needs


Other times children might have unmet emotional needs. Dr. Jane Nelson provides an excellent overview of unmet needs in her Positive Discipline work. Positive Discipline aligns well with Montessori because both are based in teaching children respect, responsibility, and problem-solving skills. 


In Positive Discipline, Dr. Nelson outlines unmet emotional needs and categorizes these as four mistaken goals. The essence of Positive Discipline is that children develop behaviors in response to feeling disconnected or powerless in certain situations, so they unconsciously use four strategies to try to get their needs met. Unfortunately, these strategies tend to backfire because the behavior isn’t effective! So our goal is to support children in learning new ways to meet their needs. 


Mistaken Goal #1: Attention


The first mistaken goal is attention. We see this when children show behaviors like whining, interrupting, or causing disruptions of some sort. They are seeking attention but can’t yet distinguish between positive attention and negative attention. So when adults respond with annoyance, irritation, or even by giving in, we are inadvertently reinforcing the attention-seeking behavior and children’s underlying belief that they only belong when they have our attention (even if our attention is based on frustration!). 


A way to help children meet this need is to offer positive attention, encouragement, and connection at times when they aren’t showing misbehavior. Another proactive approach is to find engaging and meaningful tasks for children to do, which helps provide them with a sense of belonging and connection.


Mistaken Goal #2: Power


When we, as adults, feel angry or challenged in response to children’s behavior, that’s usually a sign that the mistaken goal is one of power-seeking. This kind of behavior can quickly escalate into power struggles, defiance, or even other ways to exert control such as through tantrums or arguing. When children have an unmet goal of power, they have an underlying belief that they can belong only when they are in control or when they can prove that no one can boss them around. 


We can support children who have this unmet need by practicing collaborative problem-solving during times when things are already going well. In the moment of challenge, we can avoid power struggles by offering limited choices in a firm but kind way.


Mistaken Goal #3: Revenge


One of the more confusing forms of misbehavior is when children do things that seem intended to hurt others, such as hitting, name-calling, and other destructive actions. When acting this way children are demonstrating that they don’t feel loved so they will hurt others as they feel hurt. What’s tricky is that this behavior often leads to others feeling hurt and wanting to either distance themselves or retaliate. 


In order to address this mistaken goal, we need to focus on repairing the relationship and over time addressing the underlying hurt. Empathy and restorative practices help in the process of healing emotional wounds. This mistaken goal requires us to get genuinely curious without any form of accusation or disapproval.


Mistaken Goal #4: Assumed Inadequacy


When children give up easily, withdraw, avoid challenges, or refuse to try, they may be operating under the belief that they belong only by convincing others not to expect anything from them. Our reactions may include feeling helpless, giving up, or even taking over tasks our children were expected to do. 


An alternative approach is to encourage small steps toward success and to focus on effort over outcomes. Over time, by breaking up tasks into smaller, manageable parts, and providing side-by-side support without taking over and doing the task for them, we can help children develop more confidence and belief in their abilities.


Shifting our Thinking


So when thinking about misbehavior, we shift our approach to first consider what physical and emotional needs children are trying to communicate. Then we focus on long-term solutions while practicing kindness and firmness. Consistent encouragement, respectful communication, and proactive planning help us address what might typically be seen as “discipline issues” so we can guide children toward healthier behaviors. Part of this includes helping children begin to understand their own needs, learn how to communicate respectfully and establish healthy habits and boundaries.


Do you want to learn more about how school can nurture children’s emotional well-being and their sense of belonging? Schedule a tour to see how we create environments of mutual respect and cooperation!


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This question launched a lifetime of work dedicated to understanding and supporting the natural development of all children. The Birth of the Montessori Method In 1907, Dr. Montessori opened her first classroom, the Casa dei Bambini, in the working-class neighborhood of San Lorenzo in Rome. Tasked with overseeing daycare for children too young for public school, she began by introducing simple, practical activities, starting with self-care and environmental care. She also provided an array of materials designed to engage children’s hands and minds. The transformation was extraordinary. Children who had previously been described as wild and unruly became calm, focused, and joyful. They took pride in their appearance and their surroundings. They concentrated for long stretches of time, developed social awareness, and, unprompted, began asking to learn how to read and write. Dr. Montessori was fascinated by what she called “spontaneous discipline” and the deep love of work she observed in the children. Through observation and experimentation, she continued to refine the materials, the environment, and the adult's role. Education Rooted in Development What emerged was a revolutionary approach: an educational philosophy based on the science of human development. Rather than seeing the adult as the source of knowledge and the child as an empty vessel, Dr. Montessori recognized that children come into the world with innate potential and a deep drive to learn. Montessori education supports this natural unfolding by honoring what Dr. Montessori called human tendencies, such as exploration, orientation, order, communication, work, and repetition, through carefully prepared environments that meet the specific needs of each developmental stage. The adult's role is not to instruct, but to guide, observe, prepare, and support. This vision of human development extends beyond the individual to a larger understanding of humans as part of a cosmic web of interrelationships. In this interconnected world, every part plays a role in maintaining balance and harmony. Humans have a unique place in this system, and our role requires conscious awareness, humility, and stewardship. In addition to fostering rich academic growth, Montessori education cultivates mature, adaptive, and compassionate individuals who are capable of making meaningful contributions to our interconnected world. The Enduring Impact of Montessori’s Vision Dr. Montessori eventually left her medical practice and professorship to fully devote her life to this work. She lectured around the world, trained teachers, wrote extensively, and advocated for children’s rights. She also always insisted that the focus remain on the children, not on her. 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We need to believe in children, observe them closely, and prepare environments that honor their needs. This also means that we, as adults, approach our role with humility and a sense of curiosity. Our job is to accompany children as they create the future. In this way, Montessori education becomes not just a method, but a movement, one rooted in peace, interdependence, and the full development of the human being. Thank you for being part of this vision. Together, here in Louisville, Kentucky, we are carrying the Montessori legacy forward, not only by what we teach, but by how we believe in the children before us. Come visit to learn more!
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