Helping Your Child to Deal with Aggressive Behavior
jenncattell • January 29, 2017
Sooner or later, as our children enter their world of peers, they will confront the child whose interaction with them is negative or even physically aggressive. When this happens, as parents we come face to face with a painful truth: what hurts our child, also hurts us. The feelings we experience in this scenario tend to be instantaneous and can set off emotional triggers – our natural instinct is to protect. Once when my daughter was 18 months, she stumbled and fell, skinning her knee on the pavement. Her grandmother saw fit to try to shield her from one of life’s realities and immediately leapt into action in an unforgettable display, scolding the concrete – “Bad, bad sidewalk! No, no, no – you do not hurt our baby!! BAD !” As extreme and funny as this example seems, it calls attention to the fact that insight can guide us in helping our children to deal constructively with some of the painful hiccups they will inevitably experience in life.
Patty Wipfler of Hand in Hand Parenting points out that “in every aggressor/victim encounter, both children need help.” Armed with a few guiding insights, we can prepare ourselves and our children to better handle the verbal and physical confrontations that arise in their lives. Wipfler recommends the following strategies:
- “A hurt child will heal well if you listen.” When your child is hurt, move in close, put your arms around him, make eye contact and give sufficient time for him to fully express his feelings. Offer a few words of reassurance, but mainly comfort your child and allow him to cry and process what happened and what he is feeling. Allow your child to express his feelings until he feels calm again. Take care of any physical injuries.
- “Reassure your child that people are good at heart.” Believing that others are bad disempowers all of us. Explain that sometimes others may do hurtful things because they are having a bad day, they are not getting what they need, or they themselves are hurting inside. Reassure your child that she did nothing wrong.
- “We grownups are responsible for children’s safety.” Adults must anticipate the potential for aggressive behavior and as much as possible plan to set boundaries to prevent children from being victimized and harmed.
- “Empower a less confident child, one small step at a time.” When your child is victimized by another child and has regained his composure, offer a small step that doesn’t involve confronting the aggressor, but helps to remedy the injustice, e.g., “Would you like me to help you find your hat that Joey threw over the fence?” Do not force the action if your child does not feel confident enough to take this step, but continue as occasions arise to offer and support this option. When your child is comfortable with retrieving his hat, you may then encourage the next step in assertiveness by asking, “Is there something you would like to say to Joey?” At first, offer to simply stand with your child and coach him with his words, if necessary: “Joey, I didn’t like it when you took my hat and threw it over the fence. I don’t want you to do that.” With enough practice, your child may soon be able to take this step independently.
- Refrain from forced apologies, which do not help either the victim or aggressor and may actually promote resentment and encourage dishonesty. Instead, model respect for the aggressor as well as the victim. Avoid blaming the aggressor and pitting the two children against each other. Show faith that the child who has been victimized can heal and empower himself. Explain that the aggressor is demonstrating a need and requires support to change his or her behavior.
Resources:
http://www.todaysparent.com/family/parenting/pushover-kids/ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/passive-
Cool, Calm and Confident: A Workbook to Help Kids Learn Assertiveness Skills, by Lisa M. Schab
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Discover how multi-age classrooms at Montessori School of Louisville nurture individual learning, strong relationships, and natural leadership from Toddlerhood through 8th Grade. Learn how our intentional groupings empower children to learn at their own pace and prepare for life.
When Dr. Maria Montessori began developing her curriculum for elementary-aged children, she recognized that their educational needs undergo a profound transformation. Academic skills become more complex, but more importantly, the way content is delivered must fundamentally shift. In the elementary years (ages 6–12), children transition away from the sensory, hands-on physical boundaries of early childhood and move toward an expanding intellectual horizon. Around age six, a child’s scope of vision expands exponentially beyond themselves. Social connections become paramount, a vivid imagination awakens, and a deep curiosity takes hold regarding the universe, society, and their own place within the big picture. To meet this developmental leap, Dr. Montessori created Cosmic Education—a holistic framework that presents the story of the universe and humanity’s interconnected role within it. The Five Great Lessons: Springboards for Imagination At the heart of Cosmic Education are the Five Great Lessons. These are not intended to be exhaustive academic lectures; rather, they are dramatic, impressionistic stories designed to ignite the child's imagination and serve as a springboard for all future research and learning. Because children spend three years in each elementary community (Lower Elementary: ages 6–9; Upper Elementary: ages 9–12), they experience these lessons three distinct times. Each year, as their cognitive capacity grows, the lessons reveal deeper layers of meaning, sparking fresh, student-led exploration in chemistry, history, mathematics, language, and the sciences. Great Lesson 1: The Creation of the Universe Typically presented at the start of the school year, this lesson offers a captivating sense of wonder. Guides intentionally prepare the atmosphere: drawing the blinds, dimming the lights, and gathering children around a series of impressionistic materials and science experiments. The story begins in the vast, cold darkness before the universe existed, building up to the instantaneous moment of creation. Through striking demonstrations, children observe: How particles moved together and apart The speed of light and the immense scale of stars States of matter (solids, liquids, gases) The formation of the solar system, the cooling of the Earth, and volcanic activity Follow-Up Studies: This lesson serves as the gateway to physics, chemistry, astronomy, geology, physical geography, and the scientific method. Great Lesson 2: The Coming of Life As the school year progresses, attention shifts to how life emerged on Earth. To help elementary students grasp deep time, guides utilize impressionistic visual materials: The Long Black Strip: A long runner of black fabric representing Earth's vast lifespan, ending with a tiny sliver of white to represent all of human history. This material provides a humbling visual perspective on our planet's timeline. The Clock of Eras & The Timeline of Life: Colorfully illustrated charts detailing life’s evolution from single-celled organisms through early plants, invertebrates, vertebrates, and dinosaurs. Follow-Up Studies: Children dive into biology, Botany, Zoology, the five kingdoms of life, vertebrate classification, and paleontology through fossil studies. Great Lesson 3: The Coming of Humans This lesson introduces early human ancestors and the arrival of human consciousness. Children reflect on what makes human beings unique—our ability to think, reason, feel deeply, and collaborate to invent tools that solve complex problems. Guides introduce the Fundamental Needs of Humans, demonstrating how all people throughout history and across cultures share the exact same core requirements for survival and fulfillment (shelter, nourishment, clothing, defense, spiritual expression, and art). Follow-Up Studies: Ancient history, cultural anthropology, world geography, social studies, and human migration patterns. Great Lesson 4: The History of Mathematics Elementary students are fascinated to discover that mathematics was not created out of thin air, but was invented by ancient civilizations to solve real-world problems, like measuring land, trading goods, and tracking time. By learning about the contributions of the Babylonians, Egyptians, Greeks, Mayans, and early Indian mathematicians who developed the concept of zero, children realize that numbers are a shared human heritage. Follow-Up Studies: When children work through subtraction, long division, or geometry, they ground their practice in historical context, making abstract math deeply meaningful and engaging. Great Lesson 5: The History of Language Similar to the history of math, this lesson illuminates how written language evolved. From early cave paintings and Egyptian hieroglyphics to the Phoenician alphabet and the printing press, students learn how humans captured spoken thoughts to communicate across distance and time. Follow-Up Studies: Because elementary students are actively refining their reading, grammar, creative writing, and research skills, understanding the origin of words (etymology) inspires pride and curiosity in their literacy work. Experiencing Cosmic Education at MSL Cosmic Education gives children a sense of purpose and belonging. Instead of delivering isolated facts, Montessori presents the whole universe first, allowing students to see how every detailed subject connects back to the grand story of life. Would you like to observe our Lower and Upper Elementary classrooms in action and see Cosmic Education at work? Schedule a tour today!
